I was looking through my English binder from this past semester and found a couple of my old essays. It made me cringe to re-read them, they were so awful! The ideas were disconnected, never properly introduced, explained, or developed, and the conclusions always seemed a little off because of those facts. And, yet, my professor never gave me anything less than a B!
I can remember having some great ideas in my head and then getting to the computer and drawing a complete blank. I am someone who needs to outline everything on paper before I can begin to write complete essays —if I want them to be good essays. I know this and yet I avoided using outlines this semester because I thought they were a waste of time. (??????)
I feel terrible for not actually heeding the advice that my professor had left me in the margins, and for thinking, for some self-centered reason, that my she had no idea what she was talking about. Because, universities try to hire people who don’t know shit about their jobs? Another display of my sterling logic!
I owe her an apology, or a thank you. Maybe I need to send her an email, or maybe I need to just be sure to never let it happen again. Never again will I let my ego get in the way of hearing what others have to say. When given suggestions, next time and every time after, I will listen.
The only piece of work that I’m proud to have submitted was the first essay we turned in over the elements of fiction and The Things They Carried. And that’s only because the introduction was f—ing rad.
I’m starting the process of re-packing everything for the move in two weeks. I already feel flustered and anxious thinking about leaving. I don’t know what my problem is, but I figure if I avoid dealing with it long enough it will go away, because when has that not worked for anybody? (Do NOT answer that, leave me in the dark! I like my fake-reality!)
But, really, it’s a feeling not unlike Holly Golightly’s “mean-reds” (“The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of.”). I go through phases where I’m completely calm and don’t understand why I ever felt stressed out, then out of nowhere, hours later usually, the feeling comes right back.
I bet I just need more sleep.